Time for the 'Kids' to Teach the Parents

I missed the first airing of the debate between Constance Ahrons and Elizabeth Marquardt tonight, but watched it on the second airing.

Not at all scientific, but one observation I immediately noted is that one has gray hair (my generation) and the other doesn't (my kids' generation) .

Another observation was that the gray haired one is still defending and reassuring us that kids adapt. The other, the one who IS a child of divorce says that they may adapt, but that the wounds we inflicted on our kids are MUCH deeper than just 'how to tell them' and 'learn to parent effectively with your former spouse'.

As she of the younger generation has said, this is the FIRST study done by a member of the generation who has LIVED through our generation's 'self-realization' and 'no fault' divorce.

What we were 'promised' and is still defended by those who must cling to their 'proofs' that divorce is good, is ok, is best for the kids...... never materialized in our kids' hearts, and it is time that we realize this and accept the fact.

While the gray haired one was defending her study/book, and questioning the scientific nature and 'peer-review' status of the younger's study/book, the younger one pointed out that the significant difference between the two was having was a study of a group of less than 150 -- all children of divorce and the other was a study that had ten times that many respondents, incorporating two groups, those from divorced families and those from intact families.

This generation ("Gen X"), the one that has been discussed for so many years as though they did not really have any feelings other than those that we adults projected on them, is beginning to speak, and it is time for those of us who thought we were so
smart to begin to LISTEN to what they have to say.

Instead of demanding our 'right to be happy', etc, we need to hear from that generation. And actually, if they did a study of those 'kids' whose parents divorced when they were already adult... many would say VERY similar things to those which Elizabeth Marquardt's generation is saying.

I have seen the results of many divorces that occured after the kids were grown. I have heard the questioning of everything the parents had taught them. I have seen and heard the anger and the hurt of friends who felt that their entire life was based on lies as a result of their parent's decision to walk out on the marriage.

I have seen them leave the Church, lose their Faith, etc because of the 'hypocrisy' of the parents who had said that they were together until death... but only stayed til the last was almost 18 'for the good of the kids' like they had been on a countdown for many years, ticking off the days/months/years until they could finally be 'free' for self-actualization, happiness, their soul mate.. whatever.

I also lived with the results long before our own divorce, and saw first hand the results at all holidays and family events.

At no time does Elizabeth Marquardt advocate staying in a truly violent and abusive home.
And either do I. A truly abusive spouse endangers the lives of family members.

But the vast majority of no fault, forced, unilateral divorce do not fit into that category.


Don't try to justify divorce, abandoning of wedding vows until you have read her book and at least attempted to hear the third side of this ... the one that we all 'claimed' would be so much better off if 'I' am happier elsewhere.... get her book.

The closest we have come before was Judith Wallerstein's books/study, and perhaps Maggie Gallagher's. The difference is that THIS one is done BY a child of divorce with other children of divorce, speaking for themselves.

It is the first of many, I think, that will attempt to open our eyes to truth.

Addendum:
11/10/2005 found on http://www.familyscholars.org/
The transcript to this can be found here, and scroll down til you find the section between Elizabeth Marquardt and Constance Ahrons.

Also, her CBN/700 Club interview can be found here.