National Adoption Month Part 3 An Adoptive Mother

To celebrate National Adoption Month, a fellow member of a yahoo search group asked for input for her Library display on the subject. I sent her this, which she said was what she was looking for:

Adoptive mother

THE BEGINNING

I had nearly always wanted to have children, and thought that there would never be any problem. Then we began to try, and eventually learned that there were several different problems involved.

Even before we had learned that, however, I was watching news stories of the Vietnam airlifts of the Vietnamese children, and broached the subject of adopting one or two of the children. My husband said no to that, but ok to consider adoption. The only problem was that the agencies at the time were not taking any new applicants back in the early seventies.

Eventually, we were able to begin with Catholic Social Services (now Catholic Charities), and had a series of 8 group meetings with a small group to learn about adoption, and for the social workers to determine whether or not we would make good 'adoptive parents'. They explained that there is a difference, and that while most make good parents, it takes different qualities (or additional ones) to be 'adoptive' parents. At first, that made no sense to me. Later, it made much more sense.

In adoption, there is always another set of parents in the background. And if you cannot deal with that fact alone, adoption is not a good option. It is a fact, and it must be faced. Gratitude for someone else's decision alone will not suffice, because it is a constant in our lives.

We became parents in December of 1975, and we were thrilled. We returned for a second study that was much shorter and probably much more honest than the first one could ever have been, because this time, we were not being judged as potential 'adoptive' parents.

It was during these 'studies' that we learned what adoption was, and the basics of what we were going to experience for the rest of our lives. They were just beginning to think of
'open adoption' back then, so ours was a unique and new kind of adoption called 'Open Closed Adoption'. We had choices about how much information we were to be given, some of which seemed ridiculous. (We could opt for ficticious birth parent names—to which I said 'why would I want THAT? We could have first names only, OR we could have all of the information the agency had, including full names of the birthparents and family. We chose the latter, the 'new' way.)

OPEN CLOSED ADOPTION

This was a very new procedure for the agency. It was done only when the birth parents consented, and the adoptive parents wanted to have the names, and it had to be done at time of placement (before the adoption was finalized) because once final, the records were sealed. After that time, the only way to get this same information was court order to unseal them.

Things changed just slightly in the time between adopting our first daughter and our second:

With our first, we were not given the birth father's name, as there was a very slight possibility that one of two men could have fathered her. With the second child, the thought of not 'implicating the innocent person' had changed, and we were given both men's names.

The second change was that the three choices were no longer available to us; the information was given to us fully and completely at placement. With this change, the agency also made a change with the birth parents. It was a policy matter, and there was no longer a choice by either side, birth or adoptive parent. If the birth parents did not want their names to be given to the adoptive parent, the agency guided them to another agency who would agree to protect their identity. Adoptive parents, however, were still not identified to the birth parents.

Open adoption had progressed by that time, and if we chose to do so, WE could identify ourselves to the birth parents via letter or through the agency. In our case, because both of our daughters' parents lived within 20 miles or less of us, we chose to continue with the open closed process we had with our first child, and maintain our anonymity. Our second child's birth mother lived about ten miles from us, and exhibited some emotional problems that we did not want to take a chance with (denial being a huge one, as she had 'no idea' she was pregnant until she went to the emergency room in severe pain, thinking she was having an appendicitis attack, and told them vehemently that she was NOT pregnant).

A few years later, we wanted a third child, and approached the agency again. Because our social worker was ill the day we had our appointment with her, we did not complete the one form we needed to be able to adopt the third child before they placed a moratorium on new applicants. Though she gave us the choice of back-dating that form a week later, we opted to wait, knowing that there were others out there who still did not have their first child. This 'back-fired' just two months later when the birth mother of our second child placed HER SECOND child for adoption, and we were not eligible to adopt her.

With the agency's policy, however, the two adoptive families have been in contact from shortly after her placement, and the two half sisters now know each other AS half sisters, attending my daughter's wedding and recently becoming the godmother of my newest grandson (her biological nephew).

CURRENT:

One of the biggest hardships of adoption is the lack of current medical history for the girls, now adults.

My oldest grandson has a bleeding disorder that could be hereditary. No mention of this possibility had been given with us at placement, so we knew that my daughter's birth parents may not know this was a possibility, if it came from our side of the family. It was at this point, at the age of 26, that my oldest told me "It's time, Mom". And we began our search actively.

In under a month, we had the information in our hands for her birthmother. Address, phone number, and photos from a year book of two half sisters! My daughter opted to send a certified letter, and agreed that I could also write one to be included. Not long after sending it, my daughter got a phone call from her, and they talked for a long time. We met just a couple of weeks later, and have been in contact ever since.

About seven months later, my second daughter said she would just like to have the same information, but was uncertain about contact. So the woman who had helped us the first time, now helped us a second time. In the course of lunch with her on the day that she gave us the picture of a half brother and current address of her birthmother, I inadvertently gave Mary a missing clue she needed to find my oldest's birth father.

By the time we got home from that lunch, Mary had not only found him, but spoken to him, and had him cheerfully agreeing to a DNA test!! The test was important only because of the bleeding disorder. When the results came back, he held and hugged his daughter just a few days later for the first time in 27 years.

The relationship with both has cooled down some from the hectic first days, but my oldest now has a way to know ongoing and past medical history! She learned that one side has Crohn's disease, and the other side has Reynaud's and Tourette's Syndrome, VERY IMPORTANT information she would never have had if she had not searched and found her birth parents!

My second daughter finally decided nearly a year later, that she wanted to ask her birth mother for her own medical history, and also chose to send a certified letter to her. The form came back signed by her birth mother, but to this day, two years later, there has been no response.

She had sent an announcement of the birth of her first son with photos, and will soon send the same about her second son's birth. She thinks that there is a possibility that her birth mother is waiting for BOTH girls to want contact. (I think it is a continuation of the original denial, but we have no way of knowing for sure). There has, however, been another difference in this one, as my second daughter has opted for several 'drive-bys' past the house a few times in the past two years, just being curious. She is not even tempted to stop, though, because she feels that there is a reason for the no response that she won't intrude on.

CONCLUSION

It is not contact that is needed, though that is a nice aspect if it happens. But the medical history is something that is very much needed, as anyone in the medical profession can tell you. And THAT is what my second daughter really wants. She has not wanted to pursue finding which of two men is her birth father at this time, because of the no response from her birthmother. Long ago, they opted not to give ANY medical history, so she does not even have 27 year old information from that side of her history.

Another reason many want to search besides the medical history is just to know how they came to be, and why they were placed for adoption in the first place. If no contact is wanted, a simple nice letter letting the now adult 'child' know that they were not forgotten, not abandoned, with a simple explanation of what happened will often suffice. It is the honesty that they hunger for, the knowing that they have roots, that they were not forgotten that is needed. It is no different than anyone who has an interest in genealogy, except that none of the family is 'known'.

In the beginning of this, I said that one of the reasons for the study done by the agency was to determine whether or not we would make good 'adoptive' parents. There are many similarities in our family with any other, but there are also differences that must be faced from the beginning in order to be successful.

While looking into adopting a third child, we also had gone to a new fertility specialist. We did have a biological son, born nine months after telling our social worker that we would wait until they reopened applications to apply for our third child! We now had a son, as well as our daughters. Though emotionally there is no difference in the love we have for our children, in reality there ARE differences that cannot be denied.

• Resemblance to each other just is not there, except in our hearts. My three do not look like each other, nor like us. This fact has led to interesting observations by strangers at times, and to interesting conversations, as well. Several times, my oldest was asked where she got her curly hair from, and replied "From my mother!" While SHE was speaking of the fact that I had combed and fixed her hair, the questioner would look at me (and my straight-as-a-stick fine hair) and smile placatingly. Classmates would say to the girls "You two do not look at all like sisters!" The only time that strangers see any possible resemblance is in photos that include both parents and the three of them, with Dad's darker coloring and my short stature lighter coloring.

• Filling out medical forms for our children is not easy, and in the event of a serious illness can be a very frustrating experience. The doctors have nothing to guide them. As they become adults and have children of their own, our daughters have the added frustration that we experienced first hand. Lack of knowledge of this means added tests to rule out or include things that could be ruled out/included simply by history!! This could also be life threatening in some cases.

• There IS another set of parents 'out there' for each adopted child that does not exist for our son. There is the internal questions for all of us that need to be talked about, addressed in some way. The girls did not enter our family in the 'normal way', and therefore, must be told about the fact of adoption. That means that decisions must be made early on, about many things. When to tell them, how to tell them, why to tell them, what to tell them. The longer this is put off, the harder it becomes. To our family, their adoption was just another way of becoming family. Some have vaginal deliveries, some have C-sections, some adopt. Our girls knew from the day that they came home, as they grew up, as they could understand it. They never did not know. Some choose to use 'age' as the time to tell their children (5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc), but that simply causes complications, IMHO that can put strains on relationships and trust. The child suddenly learns something that was 'secret' before, that somehow changes things. As to what to tell them, truth and honesty is primary, always!

• Just as many search their family history for 'roots', adoptees also often feel that need. However, to search MY family never answers their questions for them. Yes, it is nice to know the history of their parents' families, and how we got to live where we live, marry who we did, etc. But that is not how THEY came into being. That history belongs to… the other set of parents. Our children, therefore, have TWO family histories. Ours, and that of their birth parents. And eventually, they may feel the need to learn it. We, as adoptive parents can deny this and hurt our children, or we can face it and help them. But if they have that need to know, they will search.

• This is, perhaps, the BIGGEST difference in adoptive families and birth families. Birth families will never need to deal with any possibility of having another set of parents, siblings, and extended family enter the picture 'someday'. An adoptive family MUST be able to accept this possibility, and learn how to accept the fact that their child can love two families if it happens. We cannot ever be replaced as parents because of the history between us, and have nothing to fear in that way. But there are, and can be, feelings that come which we have to contend with that just do not happen in birth families. Realizing early on that this is a possibility, we can also prepare ourselves for it.
  

A wise birth mother who helped me to find my daughters' birth families told me a few things that have helped me to deal with and solve my feelings as each came (a little fear or apprehension of being 'replaced', jealousy at times, inadequacy as in 'what if she likes them better?' etc):

"Just as a mother can love more than one child, so can a child love more than one mother". Oh, so very true! Because we are so very different, to begin with, the relationships with each of us is different! Because of the history between us, I am still my daughter's 'Mom', and her birth mother is more 'friend' – but who among us cannot use more friends?

"A comes before B even in mothers! Adoptive Mom and Birth Mom."

"One gave Life, and the Other gave the skills to live that life". And all I can add to that is … AMEN.

Thirty years ago, on October 15, 1975, two women became mothers. One gave life, the other was waiting to give that child the skills to live that life. Our daughter now has both of us.

Twenty seven years ago and twenty four years ago, THREE women became mothers. One gave life to two, and the Others have taught those two girls the skills to live. Two half sisters now have each other AND their families, and await a day when their birth mother may want contact.

Twenty three years ago, a son entered the family, having only one mother and father, but his sisters have caused HIS family to grow. His response to them having 'other brothers'?
"I WAS HERE FIRST!" He knows, too, that we cannot and will not, be replaced.