Rabbi Daniel Lapin on his daughter's wedding...

Browsing some of Rabbi Daniel Lapin's columns, and having just recently attended the marriage of my own son and new daughter, I 'had to read' the one entitled "Daughter's Unromantic Wedding". His words could also pertain to any Catholic Wedding. It is precisely why those who say that 'Internal Forum Solution' can be used after civil divorce are wrong, according to the Holy Father. Marriage is a PUBLIC act, not a private act simply between two people. (For further perusal, see here, or here. And it is also a valid reason/example of why no fault forced unilateral divorce (where the Respondent has no due process, making it unconstitutional in the eyes of many!) is so wrong. It is a breech of contract with no defense by one side, chosen unilaterally by the other.

(Kudos to Talya, who pointed out my error regarding Rabbi Lapin's name. I knew who I meant, but typed the wrong first name. I have much respect for Rabbi Lapin, and am grateful to have been corrected. Thank you, Talya! Sept 12,06)

Rabbi Lapin writes:

The problem is that I am only a messenger, the current courier of a Boss who forty generations ago, issued a very clear set of directions. These directions left little room for spontaneity, creativity, and romance. Instead, they specified exactly how I was to betroth a man and a woman. Here are my orders: I am to oversee the man formally accepting upon himself, before witnesses and a quorum of Jews (called a minyan), legally binding obligations.

You might consider this unsentimental process to be unduly legalistic and insufficiently attentive to the rapture and romance of the occasion. Yet, counter-intuitively the ceremony’s structure is precisely what promises a stable future. Ancient Jewish wisdom observes that relationships that start off with very clear legalities that detail obligations can lead to unreserved love. However, relationships that start off with only love can more easily lead, down the road, to the legalities of the divorce court.

Every business partner knows that beginning with a firm contract is the surest way to a happy and long-lived partnership. Though men and women are often overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of love and longing, marriage is not so different from other partnerships. It doesn’t hurt to list explicitly all major expectations. Love is a frighteningly unspecific sensation upon which to build major commitments.

Without love and attraction between them, no man and woman should be considering marriage. That is taken for granted. However, what distinguishes the noble relationship of marriage from the coupling of attraction, love, and lust between a knave and a hussy, is only the legalities.

................. And all of this will only be legal if ten males are present in order to represent that this is a communal rather than a private affair. The secular world view argues that what a man and woman do together is nobody else’s business. The Boss’s reality reminds us that anything which can impact the future by bringing new life into the world is very much everybody else’s business. Uttering private vows on the beach in Acapulco or on a sailboat at sunset has nothing to do with marriage. No barefoot ceremonies in a grassy meadow with guitar-playing poets.

All we need is a legal contract which binds together, not only my daughter and her fiancée, but also binds the two of them to the past, the present, and the future. Standing with them beneath the chupah are both the visible and the invisible generations that carried them here, making them the latest link in the chain. They will look out at all their family and friends knowing that their bond ties them also to the community. And gazing into one another’s eyes, as I speak the traditional formula of marriage, the two of them will know they are forming a magical and mysterious bond with the future.